As a man, I’m supposed to feel an overwhelming abundance of confidence. I don’t. Just writing this blog post ,my first one, mind you, has me feeling a bit anxious. Impostor syndrome weighs me down heavily. It’s still hard for me to call myself an artist or filmmaker. I look at the great pieces of art that people produce and release to the masses and couldn’t be more happy for the works that I have seen. I also feel like my work doesn’t compare, so its not worthy of being mentioned. Feelings of failure, along with someone thinking that my work sucks prevents me from sharing or appreciating any bit of work I have accomplished.
The works of many artists, black artists in particular, always leave me with a sense of inspiration, pride, and joy that they’re achieving their goals and dreams. It also makes me look at my work as mediocre. Then when I attempt to improve it, I hit a wall and then move to something else. It’s a vicious cycle of procrastination and feelings of inferiority. Shit, this blog post could be considered another tool of procrastination on my part, but I’m using this as an exercise.
In writing this, I do realize I’m not special. I’m sure ALL of the artists that I currently look up to go through most of the things that I’m talking about or some other form of mental road blocks. I attended a panel on art and activism at the LA Film Fest this year, and asked each panelist for ways to push through dark periods and times of uncertainty. All of their answers were unique to them and great pieces of advice, but the theme in all of their answers was intentionality. Things won’t change with me doing the same thing over and over again expecting something different.
So this is a way for me to be more intentional. A way for me to take more pride in my work. A way to put myself out there. I am film editor, a graphic designer, a 3d designer, a filmmaker, an artist. And its about time that I realize that about myself and take pride in who I am, what I do, and what I have done.